BONDING IN COURTSHIP
Last time, boundaries in courtship were discussed and you might be wondering, must courtship now be boring? The question is NO, your courtship can be interesting.
To build courtship to lead to a successful marriage, the right foundation must be set, in which bonding is critical. Physical intimacy should not be seen as a means to bond in courtship because it distorts the process. Butterflies in the stomach do fly out in marriage, it is the bond (friendship) that the couple has created that keeps the marriage going. For anything that has a structure to stand, the foundation is very important. How well the foundation is made will show in the longevity and quality of the structure.
Here are some ways in which bonding can be established/improved in courtship (having the aim of marriage while honoring God):
·Develop your relationship with God first.
One thing we must know is, it is God that can help a man live a life pleasing to Him because ideally, the flesh desires something else. Your relationship with God will help you put the flesh under. It allows you to choose rightly as you are guided by God. When a man truly loves God with all his heart, he will be able to love another person rightly.
John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
Psalms 119:9–11
How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to Your word. I seek You with all my heart; do not let me stray from Your commands. I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Psalms 37:4
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
·Work on your communication skills.
Without communication, partners in a relationship may become upset with each other without knowing why or how it started. Each partner may perceive situations differently, which may result in resentment that hurts the other person’s feelings. Good communication helps keep the relationship healthy. It is not about the length but the quality. It strengthens respect, builds trust, it helps partners to support each other and grow the love between them. When you understand how the other person communicates, you are less likely to have the conversation go downhill.
Listen to what the other party is saying. It is often said that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. Many of us listen to respond and not try to know what the other is feeling.
Proverbs 18:13
To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.
James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Always try and listen to what the other party is not saying. Many times, there is more communication by what the person is not saying than what is being said. Communication is between 60–90% non-verbal expression. Therefore, study the body language of your partner to enhance communication.
Listen to the Holy Spirit. God knows our partners better hence listen to what God wants you to hear and say during conversations.
Nehemiah 2:4,5
The king said to me, “What is it you want?” Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.
Try and speak less. Many people talk too much and listen way too little which leads to constant arguments. James said be quick to listen and slow to speak.
Proverbs 10:19
Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.
You may not agree on certain issues but appropriate words, tone of voice, and body language can make a significant difference in the effectiveness of what is being communicated.
Understand how your partner communicates, is he/she the one that takes time to think before speaking?
It is very important to understand how he/she communicates and see fit it is incompatible with your method. This needs to be addressed in positive and healthy communication before discussing how a compromise can be made. Relationships need a strong presence of patience and appreciation for the virtues of each other. Be mindful of words, words have power. You can either speak life and positivity into your partner or tear he/her down by berating with negative words. Words can hurt or heal. you are the one who chooses what your words are capable of doing.
Proverbs 16:20–24
Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord. The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction. Prudence is a fountain of life to the prudent, but folly brings punishment to fools. The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
•Spend time together to get to know each other.
Get to know each other’s friends. Learn each other’s likes and dislikes. Know their moods/character and responses to situations. Know your mate and deal with them according to knowledge. Build the relationship to make each other accountability partners. Ask good questions about each other’s convictions, values, aspirations, family background. Go to organized mission trips to grow and serve the Lord together. Get to know each other’s family.
·Put the other party before you and not above God. Seek the best interest of the person. Love is patience and seeks not her own.
Philippians 2:3–4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
1 Corinthians 13:5
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
·Pray and fast together.
This brings you in sync to understand God’s purpose for the marriage you are aspiring for and unify your vision.
Colossians 4:2
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.
·Understand one another’s love language!
This allows partners to connect better. You need to be able to speak each other’s love language as people do not give and receive love the same way. Below is the five love languages:
oWords of affirmation
oQuality time
oReceiving gifts
oPhysical touch (This should be limited/avoided during courtship because it might lead to something unwanted — sin)
oActs of service
·Study the scripture together regularly.
Share what you have learned from the Lord in your devotions and reading. Do not accentuate on the physical but build up each other intellectually and spiritually in the Lord.
You can also check my previous story here.
THE END
Dan Moore Kris Gage Wake Up Call P.S. I Love You @writingsolo
