Boundaries in Courtship
The question may be why do I need to set boundaries in a relationship with the one I love or the one who loves me?
It is a good question.
To maximize anything good, boundaries must be set. This also applies to courtship which is a good thing. Even God put some boundaries to certain things that benefit human beings to preserve us. For example, as important as the sun is to us, it is kept far away from us else no one will be on earth. He also sets boundaries for the sea not to flood us.
Job 38:8–11
Who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed’?
Not setting boundaries in a relationship tending towards marriage can be likened to a forest in which a wildfire erupts which can consume the whole forest.
I have often found that when a relationship does not work out between partners in courtship, if boundaries had not been set, one or both the parties becomes embittered because he or she has given a part that should not have been given e.g., sex.
Sex in courtship gives an illusion of compatibility when in fact, the couple is only compatible in bed. Someone good in bed does not equate to a good wife/husband. The existence of friendship is more important as there are many times in marriage when it will not be possible to have sex, so if sex is the only thing that unites you, the relationship would not last.
Boundary setting in courtship is a process of defining what behaviour to accept from each other. It is critical to creating healthy relationships. It is a way of counting one’s cost to preserve the goal (marriage).
Luke 14:28–30
Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.
Boundaries help keep the heart and conscience clear. It is important for restraint and necessary as the commitment in the relationship is not certain yet. The principal thing is to stay out of things designed by God only for a husband and a wife until you say I do.
Here are some practical boundaries that may be helpful. Make these commitments to each other at the start of the courtship or better still now at this point in your courtship.
ØAlways be in a place where you can be easily interrupted and seen. If you are both in a room alone, keep the door open and do not be in a quiet dark obscure corner. Sexual temptation is so easy between lovers.
ØAvoid romantic encounters. Until you are married treat each other as friends as though the other person will be someone else’s spouse one day. As a brother or sister in Christ. Not defrauding the other party’s emotions and purity but invest in each other without motive for selfish gain.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
1 Corinthians 6:19–20
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies.
1 Thessalonians 4:3–8
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.
Jeremiah 17:10
I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.
You reap what you sow. Do not deceive yourselves and say after all we are getting married anyway.
Proverbs 6:27, 28
Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?
1 Corinthians 7:1, 9
Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 8:9
Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
ØAvoid unedifying movies, videos, worldly magazines, unwholesome jokes/books. These can erupt unnecessary passions.
2 Timothy 2:22
Flee also youthful lust: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
ØDress modestly for dates. Do not wear sensuous attires. Men are generally moved by the eyes; you do not want to be the one to tempt your partner to sin.
1 Peter 3:3, 4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
ØAvoid late-night calls, Keep your conversations pure. Keep away from sexual conversations! At such times, your body hormones will be working with your heart and this will increase emotional intimacy which influences sexual desires and fantasies.
Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Songs of Solomon 2:7b
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
ØDo not put up with violence.
Violence is not an act of love. I have seen ladies put up with violence in courtship saying the guy will change in marriage. It only gets worse in marriage. You have no power to change anyone, and marriage will not do that for you. Any act of violence should be a NO, NO. Take your exit fast. Many are no more due to abusive relationships. Lovers have been killed by jealous partners that are not married to them, which is sad.
The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefitting from you having none — Anonymous
WAKE UP!
You can also check my previous story here.
THE END
Dan Moore Kris Gage Wake Up Call P.S. I Love You @writingsolo
